


On tape...

by SwedishGarden



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2020-09-07 04:20:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 18,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20303368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SwedishGarden/pseuds/SwedishGarden
Summary: It's been one year. or to be more precise one year, two months, seven days, three hours and fourty one minutes since he lost the love of his life.





	1. A year already...

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there!
> 
> I had this fanfic idea and I thought, let's give it a try!
> 
> I hope I'll do it justice, because it's my first try in doing something like that.
> 
> Every comment will be trully appreciated, because all kind of criticism is good to take. All I ask is to be respectful ;).
> 
> I just want to warn you that this is going to be sad :(, so if you don't want to read it, you should probably exit this fic now.
> 
> I also want to say that English is not my first language, but my Boo has truly helped me with any mistakes I had made by being an amazing Beta :). Thanks Hun!!!
> 
> I'll try to upload one chapter per week, except for this week, where I will post two. 
> 
> Let's get going then!

It's been one year. 

Or to be more precise one year, two months, seven days, three hours and forty-one minutes since he lost the love of his life.

People say that it takes about half the time you were in a relationship to move past it.

Is that also how it works when the ending of the relationship is not a breakup? Or is it, as other people tend to say, only time that will heal the huge hole that’s been left in your heart?

Lucas doesn't know.

The only thing he is absolutely sure of is that he misses Eliott. He misses him so much that it hurts.

There is not a single day that goes by where he doesn't think about the older guy, about how warm and protected he felt when Eliott hugged him tightly and whispered sweet nothings in his ear, when he kissed his lips softly or when he just smiled at him, this amazing smile which completely lit up his whole face and made his eyes crinkle.

Yes, Lucas misses Eliott.

He wishes he was still here with him... but unfortunately, he’s not.

A tear rolls down Lucas' face, he does nothing to stop the other ones from falling either...


	2. The discovery

It's been one year, four months, three days, nine hours and twenty-seven minutes.

It’s not that Lucas actually keeps track of the time that’s passed since he lost Eliott, it’s just something he’s got used to, ever since they both agreed to live their lives minute by minute after Eliott’s first episode, on a sunny Monday afternoon.

* * *

Lucas remembers this moment as if it was yesterday.

He came back home from his classes wondering if the taller boy was still going to be in bed.

When he had left for school that morning, it was to a “I don’t need you for this”.

Eliott had been sleeping on the couch since Lucas brought him back to his place on Friday night and he didn’t want him to wake up all alone in the apartment. He’d already left a post-it note, but he really couldn’t help himself. He just wanted to protect the man he loved, because yes, Lucas was in love with Eliott, there was no doubt in his mind about that fact.

But then, Eliott had told him to go to school, his voice so hard compared to how soft it usually sounded, his words pretty harsh, bouncing back in Lucas’ head over and over again “I don’t need you for this”.

It reminded Lucas of the time Eliott told Lucille that he didn’t need her.

So he left, taking the sweet words he had written with him, not wanting to annoy the older boy even more.

He knew Eliott hadn’t meant to hurt him with his words, but he couldn’t say that they didn’t.

That’s why he wasn’t hungry during lunch, still thinking about Eliott being home on his own, and why he thought about missing the rest of his classes that day.

But, surprisingly, Basile talked to him and made him realize he needed to stop worrying so much, that it wouldn’t help his relationship with Eliott if he kept being overprotective.

So he stayed until the end of the school day.

When he arrived at the flat later on, Eliott was sitting in the living room with Mika and Lisa, wearing a red t-shirt that made him look even more beautiful than usual. Mika hadn’t exactly been subtle when he tried to get Lisa to leave the room with him so that the two boys could talk, sounds of the two bickering as they left the room.

The sun was shining through the curtains, illuminating Eliott’s beautiful yet sad face.

All Lucas wanted to do was kiss him, to make his worries disappear, that is why, even when they started talking, he kept looking at his lips, thinking about how they would feel pressed against his.

But then, he realized how serious Eliott was. For a second, he even thought the older boy was going to break up with him, not because he didn’t want to be with him, but because he wanted to protect him from being hurt.

Eliott explained to him, tears prickling his eyes, how he was feeling. How bipolarity was affecting him in ways that were pretty difficult to describe and the impact it would have on Lucas and on their relationship.

And yes, obviously Lucas knew it wasn’t going to be easy, Basile told him so and Lucille had said the same thing, but Lucas loved Eliott too much not to want to be with him and he told him so.

He told him that he’d rather have Eliott annoying him, blaming him for stupid shit, storming out and slamming the door than not have him in his life at all, and he too would be annoying sometimes.

That’s the moment he came up with the minute by minute idea.

This finally made Eliott smile. How vulnerable and soft he looked right then, closing his eyes and waiting for Lucas to kiss him delicately.

So Lucas leaned in, just a peck at first, a kiss that quickly deepened, carrying with it the intensity of their feelings for one another without having to say it with actual words.

When they broke the kiss, Lucas took a glance at the other boy, put his head in the crook of Eliott’s neck and whispered in his ear: “You look beautiful when you smile”.

* * *

That’s why he knows how much time has passed since he last touched Eliott’s hand, kissed his soft lips and hugged him tightly one last time.

Because that’s what they used to do…

He is sat in his bed at the moment, his back resting on the headboard, a pillow tucked under his arms, as if he was hugging someone.

Thinking about Eliott always saddens him, even when he thinks about happy memories. It leaves him longing for him even more than he usually does.

Lucas climbs off the bed, wearing only his boxer briefs, his feet landing on the soft carpet right beneath his bed.

His legs lead him to the kitchen counter, where he takes a mug from one of the cupboards and pours himself a coffee.

He is going to need as much coffee as he can get if he wants to make it through the day.

He doesn’t eat anything though, and starts making his way to the bathroom.

He stops in front of a door, his hand hovering above the handle, not sure if he actually wants to walk in.

This has been Eliott’s place in their shared apartment, where he went when he wanted to draw, paint, or do any other artistic thing which Lucas never knew the name of.

He didn’t go in there often, but today, after thinking about his lover so early in the morning, he feels like he needs to.

He pushes down the handle and opens the door.

The room hasn’t changed at all, Lucas never wanting to move anything from its original place where Eliott left everything for the last time.

He enters the room slowly, the wooden floor creaking under his bare feet, the smell of paint and paper filling his nose.

He approaches the desk chair and touches it slowly, caressing its back with one finger, the material soft under his hand.

He turns the chair and finally sits on it.

It’s one of the only things he allows himself to do when he enters this room.

His eyes land on the sketches all over the desk.

Raccoons and hedgehogs mostly everywhere. Once in a while, his eyes spot something else, but he doesn’t dare touch it and mess everything up, even if he gets curious sometimes, it needs to stay like this.

The walls are also covered with sketches along with a few pictures of Eliott and Lucas. On one, they are smiling brightly at each other, holding hands and walking down the aisle right after they got married. On another, Lucas is throwing a snowball at Eliott, the other boy’s messy hair already covered with snow and their cheeks pink from the cold. The last one is a picture of Lucas, hair as messy as can be, eyes shining with laughter. His entire face radiating happiness, he is laughing about something Eliott told him. A joke he doesn’t remember now but that made him laugh like crazy back then. Eliott used to say that it was his favorite pic of Lucas, because it reflected his joyous personality so well, and because he looked amazingly beautiful on it. That always made Lucas blush, even years later.

His eyes finally stop on one of the desk’s drawer.

If he just takes a look inside, and doesn’t touch anything, would that be such a bad thing?

He thinks about it for a few minutes.

It’s not as if the thought never crossed his mind before, but he always stopped himself.

Today is different though, he doesn’t know why but he feels it deep down inside. His instinct tells him to open that drawer.

So… he does.

Immediately, his eyes are drawn to his name on a white envelope.

“For Lucas” it reads.

With infinite precaution, he takes the envelope…


	3. The choice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucas’s hands are shaking.
> 
> This is Eliott’s handwriting; he knows it is, he’d recognize it anywhere. Eliott always had a particular way of writing Lucas’s name, all curved and round. It’s funny because Eliott’s handwriting was otherwise pretty sharp. But even when he was just writing to Lucas, or about him, the taller boy couldn’t help but try to surround him with softness, as if Lucas’s name was the most beautiful thing he’d ever said or written.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!
> 
> I'm back with a new chapter. I hope you'll enjoy this one.
> 
> Thanks to everyone who commented and left kudos, it absolutely made my day :)
> 
> Also a big thank you to my Boo for being an amazing beta, it sure would be a hell more difficult without you!!!
> 
> If you want to talk to me about it, you can also find me on twitter @_SwedishGarden.

Lucas’s hands are shaking.

This is Eliott’s handwriting; he knows it is, he’d recognize it anywhere. Eliott always had a particular way of writing Lucas’s name, all curved and round. It’s funny because Eliott’s handwriting was otherwise pretty sharp. But even when he was just writing to Lucas, or about him, the taller boy couldn’t help but try to surround him with softness, as if Lucas’s name was the most beautiful thing he’d ever said or written.

Lucas eyes stare intensely at the piece of paper in his hand, as if staring at it would actually give him the answer he’s looking for.

He really doesn’t know what he should do.

He runs his hand through his already disheveled hair, messing it up a little bit more.

Of course he wants to open the envelope, see what’s inside and probably cry while doing so. But at the same time, this right here might be the last thing Eliott had left for him and Lucas is afraid of what it might be, and of what it might say…

So yes, he wants to open this white envelope with his name written on it, but he kind of wishes Lucas n°2143 had already done so and could tell him what’s waiting for him…

Why isn’t he able to see what is happening to him in those parallel universes anymore? He'd sure love to see Lucas and Eliott n°39 being happy right now, or Lucas n°2143 opening this letter, but he can’t.

It used to help him, the parallel universes, it really did.

He even remembers the first time he talked to Eliott about it…

* * *

It was a Saturday.

They had come back to Lucas’s flat on Friday evening, soaking wet, tiptoeing their way to Lucas’s bedroom, trying not to laugh or get noticed by Lisa, who was watching tv in the living room, or by anyone else who might have been there at the time.

Lucas didn’t even remember that he wasn’t supposed to go in there. That Manon was the one who’s sleeping in the bedroom these days. The thought didn’t even cross his mind.

He needed a place to be with Eliott, to be able to kiss him, to touch him.

He had been thinking about doing so ever since he first laid his eyes on the taller boy in the common room. He’d never have admitted it back then, not to anyone, and especially not to himself, but that was the truth.

And so, here they were, making their way to the bedroom, right after sharing their first kiss in the rain at “La Petite Ceinture”.

As soon as the bedroom door closed on them, Lucas turned his head towards Eliott, interlacing their fingers once again, and leading him slowly to the bed.

They sat on the edge, staring intently into each other’s eyes, ocean blue meeting thunder grey, not able to look anywhere else.

Lucas’ hand lightly squeezed Eliott’s, part making sure he was not dreaming, part trying to release some of the tension he could feel building inside of him.

His eyes travelled from Eliott’s eyes to his lips, and before he even realized it, the older boy was kissing him again, his hands cupping his neck, tilting Lucas’s head a little and biting the smaller boy’s bottom lip.

It was as if they couldn’t get enough of each other, as if they had waited way too long and just wanted to catch up on the time they had missed.

And that’s the reason why, several hours later, as the sun started peeking through the curtains, they were still kissing each other passionately, lying on Lucas’s bed, legs entangled, bodies merely inches apart.

Eliott had asked him if he was “his first” and Lucas had not really answered his question, only smiling a little bit shyly and asking Eliott the exact same thing a few seconds later. Eliott’s answer, just a mischievous raise of his eyebrows, had made both of them giggle.

When Lucas had then asked the other boy “What did you think the first time you saw me in the common room?”, his first answer had been “Him, he is scared of the dark”, but he didn’t stop there, and what he added afterwards had made Lucas’ heart somersault: “The first time I saw you, it wasn’t in the common room, it was in the hallway on my first day of school. I didn’t know anyone, and I bumped into you while you were talking with your friends. You didn’t see me, but I saw you. I only saw you actually.”.

It was the first time someone had ever said something like that to him, telling him he was worth being look at, that he was beautiful.

Yes, Eliott didn’t actually say it like that, but the way he had said it, the words he had used, the intense but tender way he had looked at Lucas, running his hand through his hair, hadn’t left much doubt about what he meant.

They started kissing again, exploring each other’s body for the first time, lips on skin, discovering every muscle with the palm of their hands.

Oh, how amazing it had felt, to finally be able to be with someone you truly desired.

They didn’t make love that night, nor did they do it in the morning. They didn’t need to, the intimacy of those hours spent together being enough for the time being.

A few minutes had gone by, or was it hours, Lucas couldn’t say, before the smaller boy decided to ask something that had been on his mind, something about destiny.

He was lying on his stomach, Eliott’s head resting on his back, drawing imaginary patterns on him with his left hand and holding Lucas’ with the other: “What would you have done if I hadn’t come to the common room? Or if I had taken another bus? We might never have met…”

Eliott’s answer was nothing but a whisper when he said: “That’s a scary thought”.

Lucas couldn’t actually see him, but he could absolutely imagine the older one’s face, probably looking really serious, when he added: “You know, when I have a choice to make, I always tell myself there are two paths to take. I end up picking one because I have to choose at some point, but I’d never know what I missed by not taking the other one. It drives me crazy!”.

“And you are not sure about the path you took here?”. Lucas voice was uncertain, the doubt starting to cloud his mind. Was Eliott regretting their night together?

However, Eliott was quick to reassure him, maybe feeling the way the younger boy’s shoulders suddenly tensed after his reply, his hand softly caressing his back: “Yes, of course I am!”.

What Lucas told him then was something he had never told anyone before, something so important for him, he hoped Eliott’s reaction wouldn’t disappoint him.

“When I make a choice, I tell myself there are other Lucases, in some other parallel universe, that took the other path. So between every Lucas in every universe, we have tried everything…”

* * *

So here he is right now, in front of those two different paths.

One in which he doesn’t open the letter, his mind always wondering what the love of his life might have written, but never feeling the strength to actually go for it, even years later.

The envelope still carefully placed in the drawer, where Lucas had put it back.

Another one where he does open the envelope, showing as much courage as Eliott had every day of their shared life, fighting his demons, making difficult choice after difficult choice, taking a risk.

Lucas settles for the later.

Because what would life be without taking risks?


	4. And so it begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s been at least half an hour.
> 
> Ten minutes of intense staring, ten more minutes trying to see through the envelope by holding it in front of a lamp (yes, Lucas thought it could help), and at least another ten making sure he doesn’t possess a super power, like, you know, x-ray vision which would have been really helpful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Morning everyone!
> 
> Here is chapter 4, hope you'll like it!
> 
> Thanks again for the support, it means the world to me :)
> 
> Once again, thanks to my amazing Boo, I hope you know you are the best!!
> 
> Come find me on twitter @_SwedishGarden if you want to talk about this fanfic, Elu, Skam France or anything else!
> 
> Much love,

It’s been at least half an hour.

Ten minutes of intense staring, ten more minutes trying to see through the envelope by holding it in front of a lamp (yes, Lucas thought it could help), and at least another ten making sure he doesn’t possess a super power, like, you know, x-ray vision which would have been really helpful.

Apparently, he doesn’t.

So here he is, back to the staring.

The envelope is heavy, so he suspects it’s more than just a letter.

It’s also pretty big, about the size of a notebook, maybe even bigger.

Lucas’ mind is really trying to analyze everything. He knows he isn’t being rational, that the only way he’ll know what’s inside this envelope is to open it.

God, he even decided he was going to do it!

So why is it so difficult?

He realizes he’s been sitting in Eliott’s room for nearly an hour, and if he doesn’t leave the apartment soon, he will be late for work.

But he knows he’s not going to be able to go in today. Not after what’s happened, not after finding this. He needs to stay home, to take all the time necessary to discover what Eliott has left him.

He stands up from the chair, because staying here, in the middle of Eliott’s stuff is not helping him right now and he is feeling a little bit overwhelmed.

He rushes out of the room, the envelope still in his hand.

He wonders if he should get dressed before doing anything, and decides that’s a good idea.

So Lucas goes to their room, he opens one of the drawers, picks up some sweat pants and a white plain t-shirt with “Amour” written on it, and quickly puts them on.

His phone is on the bedside table. He grabs it, unlocks the screen, which is a picture of Eliott, who is looking at the camera, a smile so bright the sun probably lost his job that day, and dials his office’s number. He explains to his assistant that he is feeling unwell, that he needs a little rest and will probably be back tomorrow, hanging up before the young girl could ask any questions.

A few minutes later, he is sitting in the living room, on this comfortable leather armchair he chose with Eliott five years ago.

The envelope is on the glass table, waiting to be opened.

Lucas takes a sip of the coffee he poured himself and then picks up the envelope.

His hands are still trembling, but he is feeling calmer now, the air around him easier to breathe in.

Delicately, he opens it and in one gentle motion, empties the contents onto the coffee table.

What he sees surprises him, well, not completely, but some of it does.

There is a sketchbook, a little one with a brown cover that looks like its seen better days, as if someone had kept on opening the book over and over again. Lucas’s hand softly caresses it, flipping through the pages rapidly.

There are drawings inside, Lucas is not really surprised, it’s a sketchbook and Eliott was an artist after all.

Before he can think about looking at the drawings more attentively, his eyes wander to another item, a picture of them.

This is probably one of the first selfie’s of Eliott and Lucas together. He is making a ridiculous face on it, because when doesn’t he, but Eliott is so incredibly beautiful, his eyes so soft. Lucas has his arm on the older boy’s shoulder, Eliott’s head resting on his’.

They look happy together.

It seems like a lifetime ago… and maybe it is.

He slowly turns the picture over, and sees “Partner in crime” written on it.

Tears are already gathering in his eyes, but Lucas wants to stay strong, he has to.

He puts the picture down next to the sketchbook and goes to the next item on the table.

It’s one of Eliott’s necklaces, a small silver round pendant, with a hedgehog and a raccoon engraved on it, that Lucas had given to him about three years ago. It had a special meaning for them because Lucas had never bought Eliott any jewelry, except this. He had asked Manon for the name of her favorite jeweler, and gone there after work one day. His instructions were really specific, even taking one of Eliott’s drawings to replicate, knowing that the older man would be happy about it. And he had been, never taking it off, proudly showing it to their friends and family. That’s why Lucas had been truly devastated when he hadn’t been able to find it back then…

Relief flows through his veins just by holding the necklace in his hand, looking at it, feeling the engraving under his fingertips.

The tears that had threatened to fall just a few minutes ago are now making their way down his face, and Lucas can’t stop them.

He takes a few minutes to try and appease his breathing, which had become erratic as soon as the crying started.

Eliott always knew how to calm him, holding his face between his hands, his long fingers slowly caressing his cheeks, making Lucas look into his eyes, and whispering over and over again: “I’m here, breathe with me. Breathe in, breathe out. You are not alone, I’m here my Love, and I always will be.”

So even now, even when the love of his life is not with him anymore, that’s what he tries to do. He inhales deeply, and exhales. Once, twice, he stops counting after a while, his focus entirely on his breathing until the tears stop falling and his chest doesn’t feel as tight as it did just a few moments ago.

He looks at the necklace again and even though Lucas has never been one for jewelry himself, he puts it on.

His eyes land on the last item on the coffee table, and this one is probably the most surprising of them all.

It’s a small black USB stick.

Lucas is curious, why would Eliott leave him this?

Soon curiosity gets the better of him and he plugs the drive into his Blu-ray player.

He turns the tv on, takes the remote control in his hand and sits back down.

The home screen appears after a few seconds, and Lucas quickly navigates through the different screens to find the USB page.

There is only one file on it, “Play me, little hedgehog” it says.

Lucas doesn’t even hesitate before he hits play.


	5. The moment I fell in love with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first thing that appears on the screen after Lucas hits play is an empty chair.
> 
> But it’s not the chair that Lucas recognizes, even though he was sitting on this exact same one an hour ago, it’s the room around it, the drawings, the pictures.
> 
> It’s Eliott’s room.
> 
> He hears muffled sounds coming from the tv and turns the volume up, trying to hear a little bit better, to no avail.
> 
> He can’t quite decipher what’s happening behind the camera, but he doesn’t need to.
> 
> A tall figure appears on the screen, making their way to the chair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!
> 
> Thanks to everyone who has read this story so far, you don't know how happy it makes me!!!
> 
> I hope you're going to enjoy this new chapter.
> 
> I felt a bit insecure about it to be honest, so I hope you won't be disappointed.
> 
> A big thank you to my Boo, who's done an amazing work once again. You are just incredible!
> 
> Lots of love.

The first thing that appears on the screen after Lucas hits play is an empty chair.

But it’s not the chair that Lucas recognizes, even though he was sitting on this exact same one an hour ago, it’s the room around it, the drawings, the pictures.

It’s Eliott’s room.

He hears muffled sounds coming from the tv and turns the volume up, trying to hear a little bit better, to no avail.

He can’t quite decipher what’s happening behind the camera, but he doesn’t need to.

A tall figure appears on the screen, making their way to the chair.

And Lucas knows who it is, even from behind.

He’s looked at this man for years.

“Eliott” he whispers.

Eliott is wearing some black jeans, a grey t-shirt and a black hoodie that looks way too big for him (which actually says a lot about his physical state, because Eliott was tall, and there weren’t a lot of clothes that looked too big on him).

When he turns and sits down, Lucas’s heart stops.

Oh God, how much he missed this face!

Eliott is staring right at him, or at the camera to be more precise, and looks absolutely amazing.

His hair is a mess; there are dark circles under his blue grey eyes, light stubble on his gaunt face that makes him look so pale.

But to Lucas, Eliott is still the most beautiful person he’s ever seen.

He pauses the video, standing up from the armchair and walking closer to the screen.

His hand slowly approaches the tv, as if wanting to touch the man in front of him, to feel his soft skin under his touch one more time, but afraid he might scare him away if he moves too fast.

With his index finger he gently draws the lines of his lover’s face, stopping every now and then on his cheekbones, his lips, his hair.

Why can’t he run his hand in Eliott’s hair again?

Why?

Lucas takes back the remote but doesn’t go back to the armchair.

He wants to stay as close as he can be to Eliott, as if afraid the other man would disappear if he was to walk away from the tv.

That’s a really strange feeling watching the face of someone you haven’t seen in so long.

Because even though he looks beautiful in all of them, pictures don’t even compare to the reality that was Eliott Demaury, they never did him justice.

But this here, this video, it’s the closest thing to reality that Lucas will ever get, so he plans on watching it over and over again

He starts the video again, eyes glued to the screen, carefully watching every movement from Eliott, every facial expression, everything that could tell him what the older man is about to say.

He spots the sketchbook on the desk, but before he can actually spot anything else, he hears Eliott clearing his throat and his eyes automatically wander back to him.

“Hi my Love” are the first words that leave Eliott’s mouth, the first words he speaks to him in more than a year.

“I know we haven’t talked in a while. Well, actually, that’s not true, we talked together this morning before you left for work, but you know what I mean”, Eliott’s smile is soft, his voice is like velvet, yet his eyes are shining. He even has the audacity to wink at the camera.

“Since we learnt about the thing that must not be named”, he air quotes that last part, “I’ve been thinking about a way to tell you how much I love you and how incredibly lucky I am to have shared my life with you since high-school”.

“I thought about writing a letter. You know, the kind of letter you see in rom coms, where one of the character writes things like “I’ve never seen something more beautiful than your eyes, this sparkling night can’t even compare” and all, but I’ve never been one to put down in words my feelings, I’ve always preferred to draw them. This is why you’ve probably found this sketchbook”, he turns towards the desk to grab said item and turns back around, showing it proudly to the camera “in the envelope with the video”.

He plays with the sketchbook’s cover, opening and closing it over and over again, and Lucas understands now why it looks so worn out.

“I’ve put in this little book some of my favorite drawings of our time together. Don’t mistake me, I’ve enjoyed every moment with you, even the bad ones because they made us stronger, but still, some of those moments hold a special place in my heart”.

He suddenly gets up from his chair, and Lucas starts to wonder what he is up to.

A few moments later, music starts filling the living room, coming from the tv.

It’s their song, _I love you._

Eliott reappears on the screen and sits back down, looking satisfied.

When he speaks again, his voice is a little louder, making sure Lucas can hear him over the music: “Do you remember the first time you played this song for me? Because I remember it like it was yesterday. Do you know why?”, he pauses and Lucas nods even though he knows Eliott can’t actually see him, “Because that’s the moment I fell for you”.

He adds “Open the book, my love”.

So Lucas does as he is told, taking the sketchbook in his hands once more and opening it.

The first page is filled with words, it’s a collage. Lucas reads them all carefully.

Friendship. Love. Desire. Passion. Fights. Reconciliations. Illness. Bipolarity. Fear. Support. Minute by minute. Happiness. Kisses. Hugs. Paris. Petite ceinture. Polaris. Darkness. Light. Not afraid. Not alone. Together. Wedding. Forever. Family. Life. Death.

All of them put together form a story. Their story. Everything they’ve been through, everything that came their way, everything that happened to them, the good and the bad. Life.

Eliott’s voice resonate in the living room once more, startling Lucas out of his reverie.

“You’ve been my rock, my friend, my lover, my partner, my husband. You’ve stuck with me, no matter what, even when I put you through hell. You are amazing, Lucas, never doubt that. Never.”, his voice is wavering, cracking at the end “You are incredible!”.

“I realized it that day, the day you played our song for me for the first time, and you never stopped proving it to me, day after day”.

“You looked beautiful that day, so carefree, laughing with me for everything and nothing, smoking those joints, drinking those beers.”

Eliott smiles at the thought, closing his eyes before he continues “You were just wearing a plain t-shirt and some jeans, but I had never seen such a beautiful sight in my life. Your hair was disheveled, and all I wanted to do was run my hand through it, to pull you closer and kiss you and never stop kissing you. I didn’t though. I wasn’t sure if you’d want me to.”.

“When you got up from the couch to change the music and turned around to ask me if you could play the piano, I remember my surprise. I also remember making fun of you when you first hit the keys. “I also have a triangle if you want to” I said. Your small laugh was one of the cutest laughs I’ve heard in my life”.

The music continues to fill the air while Eliott stops his tale. He seems lost in his thoughts for a moment, head swaying slowly from left to right, his smile soft, his fingers tapping delicately on the sketchbook’s cover.

“But then, you started playing with more speed, more certainty. As if you’d done it all your life. It was so beautiful. Your hands were travelling the keyboard with purpose, music surrounding us, touching my soul like never did before.”

“I can still see myself straightening up on the couch, watching your every move with such intensity, eyes never leaving your back. No one had ever surprised me like that before. I remember the moment you slowed down, turning your head towards me to search for a sign that you should keep going, for some kind of approval. I smiled at you. What else could have I done? You left me awestruck. You turned your head back to the piano, picking up the speed once again, and I couldn’t help but keep on smiling.”.

He stares at the camera again, love irradiating from every pore of his being before he declares, voice soft and tender “That’s the moment I fell in love with you. This moment right there. When you opened up to me and showed me this beautiful part of yourself. When you amazed me with your talent, when you surprised me for the first time. I realized then that I wanted the beautiful boy sitting at the piano to keep on surprising me over and over again and that my feelings for him were anything but platonic. That I wanted him, that I wanted _you _in my life for however long you’d let me”.

Lucas is smiling. Of course he remembers that moment. He was a little nervous because he hadn’t played in front of anyone for a long time but Eliott made him feel comfortable, safe. He hadn’t felt that way before with anyone, not even with Yann, his best friend who he thought he was in love with just a few months before. That’s why he found the strength to show this hidden part of himself to Eliott, because he trusted him without even knowing him.

“Turn another page” Eliott’s voice adds, Lucas doesn’t even have to think about it and obeys the instruction.

He is faced with a drawing, one he has never seen before.

Lucas’s heart is melting at the adorable sight.

He remembers Eliott’s drawing of a keyboard right after it happened. But it’s not the one in this sketchbook. This one also features a piano, in front of this piano is a hedgehog that you can see from behind, spines in every direction. Watching it carefully is a raccoon, seated on the couch, hearts floating around him, a bubble showing his thoughts “Eliott n°1 is falling in love with a surprising hedgehog, completely and utterly”.


	6. The moment I told you I loved you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucas is still admiring the cute drawing when Eliott starts speaking up again.  
“The thing is” he says “I fell in love with you that day and I haven’t stopped falling in love with you more and more with every day that’s followed until today, and, to be honest, I think that I will keep on falling in love with you until the moment I die.”  
“You always say that I am your sunshine Lucas. Do you want to know what you are to me?” he asks then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!
> 
> I wanted to thank you all for your warm response to Chapter 5, it absolutely made my week!
> 
> I hope you'll 'enjoy' Chapter 6 just as much :)
> 
> Thanks again to my Boo for checking on my work and helping me make it better for you: you are an Angel and I love you!
> 
> Good reading and see you all next week ;)
> 
> Lots of love

Lucas is still admiring the cute drawing when Eliott starts speaking up again.

“The thing is” he says “I fell in love with you that day and I haven’t stopped falling in love with you more and more with every day that’s followed until today, and, to be honest, I think that I will keep on falling in love with you until the moment I die.”

“You always say that I am your sunshine Lucas. Do you want to know what you are to me?” he asks then.

Eliott is looking at the camera with questioning eyes, his face relaxed and a small smile adorning his lips. He looks comfortable in his chair, bending a little forward, his shoulders hunched, one of his leg bent, right ankle on of his left knee, his right elbow resting on his other knee and his face propped on his hand. Lucas would never feel comfortable that way, he knows that, but he can see that Eliott is, his whole demeanor indicating so.

It’s strange because it really feels like they are having some kind of conversation with the way Eliott pauses every time he asks a question, as if he is expecting Lucas to answer him, like there is not a camera and a TV screen between them, or more than a year.

But Lucas’s never been one to refuse Eliott something, so he indulges him and answers “Enlighten me”.

As if Eliott’s heard him, he says in a loving voice “You are my sun, the brightest star in the sky of my life, my Polaris. You are the most colorful rainbow after a storm, you are the warmest hug after a moment of pain, you are the cutest laugh after some silly joke and you are the most delicate perfume after spending the day surrounded by hospital smell”.

His voice gets a little rougher when he adds “Your lips, your skin, your entire body is the most delicious flavor I have ever tasted”.

Lucas’ cheeks tint in pink when hearing the last part and he can’t suppress the shy smile that appears on his face.

Because the taller man knows him better than he probably knows himself, his smile grows bigger and he quickly adds “You are so beautiful when you blush”.

“And the fact that you don’t realize how beautiful you are, even years later, just makes you even more beautiful to me. I really am the luckiest guy in the entire world”, Eliott’s face is plastered with the toothiest grin ever, his eyes turning into half-moons at the mention of his luck.

“I love you so much Lucas”, his voice is filled with emotions, tears gathering in his eyes.

He turns around to put the sketchbook back on the desk. Eliott’s breathing deepens, trying to regain some control over his feelings, and he turns back to the camera.

As if on cue, the music changes then, to a song that Lucas knows well.

_I was born to love you_, by Queen.

It’s from one of his favorite bands after all, and Eliott knows this. Seems like the older man wants to make Lucas smile just by listening to the music he likes and looking at the man he loves.

Eliott’s never been one for singing but the way he mouths the words, eyes closed, one foot tapping on the floor with the music warms Lucas’ heart.

“_You are the one for me, I am the man for you_”, it would make everyone else looks kind of ridiculous to Lucas, but not Eliott, never Eliott. He just looks so endearing all caught up in the music, the music he specifically chose for his lover and that he even learnt the lyrics to.

He reopens his eyes, head still bobbing to the melody, and stares directly at the camera, sharing his feelings with Lucas once more “I remember the first time I told you that I loved you”.

“I’d never felt that way before in my entire life, the way I felt about you. I’d been willing to tell you before, but it never felt like it was the right moment, not after all we’d been through”.

“I can still picture you so clearly, standing close to the bus stop, holding onto me for dear life. You were wearing your sneakers, some simple black pants and a blue hoodie with a black t-shirt underneath. Your hair was as fluffy as ever, just waiting for me to let my hands run through it”.

“They didn’t though, they were actually too busy cradling your face. You looked so sad, tears filling your eyes, not wanting to let me go”.

“I don’t exactly recall everything that we said then, only remembering a joke about the size of your clothes but the rest is kind of a blur”. He pauses then, the new beginning of a smile making its way to his lips. “Well, not exactly everything else”.

His smile gets bigger then, and he says “I tried to cheer you up, kissing you and reminding you that we’d decided to live minute by minute, which finally made you crack a small smile”.

“Funny how such a simple phrase had such an impact on the both of us, it still does, even now”.

Lucas fully agrees with him, the “minute by minute” mantra has been such an important part of their journey together, helping them during difficult times but also comprehend that life was short and that you should live every moment as if it was the last.

Eliott seems lost in thought to, his hands rubbing up and down his thighs, head held up, eyes looking at the ceiling.

When he resumes speaking again, he still isn’t looking at the camera, his eyes shut once more, his face scrunched up in an adorable way and Lucas can’t help the tingling of his heart at the sight. ‘How can someone both look so cute and so hot at the same time?’ he wonders.

Eliott’s soft voice breaks his train of thoughts “When the bus arrived a few seconds later, we were still kissing. After one final peck, I made my way to the door, turning back at the last moment to look at you again. My heart was beating so furiously in my chest, both with anticipation and some kind of fear. It’s always a little bit scary when you are about to tell someone that you love them for the first time, even when you think that this special someone probably has feelings for you too. It’s just as scary when you know it’s probably the last time you are going to say it too”.

“Lucas?” Eliott calls him with such a sweet and soft voice, barely audible over the music, but Lucas’s focus on the other man has not wavered for a moment and he stares into those eyes he knows so well, answering Eliott’s call this way, ‘showing’ him that he has his undivided attention.

“_I love you_”.

Lucas’ heart skips a beat, tears threatening to fall once more.

He quickly pressed the rewind button on the remote, and hits play again “_I love you_”.

He repeats the action again and again, never wanting to stop listening to the words he missed so much coming from the love of his life.

“_I love you_”.

“_I love you_”.

“_I love you_”.

He suddenly realizes that he didn’t say it back and, after rewinding the video one last time and listening to Eliott confessing his love to him anew, he focuses his eyes on him and quietly whispers “Me too”.

As though it isn’t enough, he takes a shaky breath and says more loudly “Me too, Eliott, me too”.

It still doesn’t feel enough though.

Lucas gets up from his place in front of the TV, walking back and forth in the living room, one hand still holding the remote, the other going to his face and slowly rubbing his eyes.

He doesn’t know how long he keeps on pacing for. He doesn’t even remember when he paused the video again, but he must have done so because the screen is frozen on Eliott’s face, looking at him lovingly, and Lucas snaps.

He yells in the empty room, blue eyes fixated on grey ones “I love you too, you stupid fool!!! So why did you have to leave me alone here? Why did you have to go?”

He breaks down completely then, sobs escaping him with great intensity, falling to his knees on the living room carpet, holding his face in his hands, tears rolling down his cheeks.

He tries to talk again, in between sobs, but it only comes out broken “You… You promised you’d stay with me… You s… said it was going to be forever…”

He collapses to the floor, wrapping his arms around his knees, loud whines escaping him.

He stays in this position for hours, unable to take a hold on the tears, still shaking and trembling from the intensity of his pain.

“You left anyway…” is the last thing he murmurs before blacking out.


	7. The moment I realized I would love you no matter what!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Lucas regains consciousness, a few hours have gone by. 
> 
> He blinks his eyes a few times, the light coming through the living room windows making it difficult to keep them opened for more than a few seconds.
> 
> He doesn’t really know how long he’s been lying there for, nor does he know what time it is now. The only thing he does know is that he doesn’t want to get up from the floor yet. He feels absolutely exhausted, the heaviness of the emotions he’s gone through since finding the envelope this morning still weighing on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!
> 
> First of all, I would like to thank you all so much for your positive response to chapter 6. Your comments, kudos and bookmarked really made me happy and I'm absolutely glad that you are enjoying the story so far.
> 
> I hope you'll like chapter 7 as well and that you'll stick with me until the end ;)
> 
> I would like to thank my Boo as well, whose help is the key to me posting this story so regularly and without whom all of it wouldn't have been possible! Boo, you are amazing!!!
> 
> Enjoy the chapter and see you all next week!
> 
> Lots of love 😘💖

When Lucas regains consciousness, a few hours have gone by.

He blinks his eyes a few times, the light coming through the living room windows making it difficult to keep them opened for more than a few seconds.

He doesn’t really know how long he’s been lying there for, nor does he know what time it is now. The only thing he does know is that he doesn’t want to get up from the floor yet. He feels absolutely exhausted, the heaviness of the emotions he’s gone through since finding the envelope this morning still weighing on him.

He slowly turns his head towards the TV but all he can see is a black screen.

“Eliott” he whimpers, tears starting to fall from his eyes again, hand reaching for the screen.

But Eliott is gone. His beautiful face not appearing on the screen anymore and Lucas is faced with the cruel reality that he has lost him once more.

He knows he’s not being rational, that you can’t lose someone that wasn’t there to begin with, but he lost all rationality the moment Eliott appeared on that screen. Seeing him, talking to him, talking _with_ him (even through a screen) has been the best thing that’s happened to him in more than a year.

And that’s why it hurts so much right now, because the fact that Eliott is really gone hits him like a freight train and he feels miserable, broken.

He just wants to be with him one more time, to hold him in his arms, to hug him tightly and whisper “_I love you_” in his ear, but he can’t.

Eliott has left him and life hasn’t been the same since then.

His hand falls limply on the floor, his eyes closing, tears still rolling down his cheeks, and he plunges back into a dreamless slumber.

When he wakes up again, the room has gone darker, yet it seems like it’s not already night time.

Lucas rubs the last remains of sleep from his eyes, sitting down on the carpet, arms circling his knees, head on said knees.

He takes a minute to compose himself, breathing deeply before straitening up.

He gets up from the floor and, without a glance at the TV, makes his way to the kitchen counter.

The clock on the oven says it’s already 6:45 pm, and Lucas realizes he hasn’t eaten anything all day.

He is not hungry though but he knows better than to let himself starve so he opens the fridge and picks the first thing that appears in front of his eyes. Eggs.

He grabs a bowl and starts beating the eggs with some salt, pepper, herbs and grated cheese. He takes a pan, puts some butter in it and puts it on the stove. Once the butter is melted, he adds the mix and lets it cook slowly.

When the omelette is ready, he puts it on a plate and sits down at the counter. He pours himself a big glass of wine because he _deserves_ it, and starts eating his dinner.

He thought he’d get an appetite after seeing the food in front of him but he doesn’t. His mind is still somewhere else. To be honest, his mind hasn’t left the living room.

He tries to get a bite or two, but stops when he realizes he won’t be able to hold it in if he forces himself to eat.

He takes a sip of his wine and makes his way back to the living room, his glass still in his hand.

He puts it down on the coffee table and falls down on the sofa.

He doesn’t really know what to do, thoughts of the morning flooding his mind.

Should he start back the video and risk having another meltdown? Or should he just stop and come back to it at another time?

The situation he’s in at the moment reminds him of the one that he was confronted with a few hours ago, when he was hesitating with opening the letter or not.

“_The greatest risk is really to take no risk at all. You've got to go out there, jump off the cliff, and take chances_”. He doesn’t know where he heard that quote, but it seems quite fitting.

Back then, he decided to take a risk, to take a chance.

Why shouldn’t he do the same now?

So without further ado, he grabs the forgotten remote from the floor, takes another sip from his wine, and hits play.

Eliott reappears on the screen and Lucas releases the breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding in.

Eliott is still smiling, this soft adorably loving smile of his, and Lucas can’t help but smile back.

Yes, the taller man is not here anymore, but it doesn’t mean Lucas can’t enjoy listening to his soothing voice or looking at this beautiful man.

He can, and he will, “_no matter what_” he promises himself.

Queen is still filling the air, but the song seems to be coming to an end, Freddie’s voice slowly fading away.

When the next song starts, Lucas doesn’t recognize it. The only lyrics he actually understands is something “yellow” and “love”. But he kind of likes the melody, and it’s not that far away from what he usually listens to. Plus, Eliott seems really pleased with himself, and Lucas loves seeing his smug face.

It seems like forever before Eliott starts speaking up again.

“It’s easy to love someone when things are going well” he says. “It’s not as easy when there are bumps along the road or when you fight.”

“I realized I would love you no matter what when we had our first ‘real’ argument. Not when I went back to Lucille” he looks a little sheepish when he says that even though Lucas told him numerous times that it was all in the past, “or after I had an episode on the barge, but when we raised our voices towards one another for the very first time”.

“Usually, that was the kind of thing that would slowly but surely drive me away from my past lovers, the arguments. I already had too much to deal with and didn’t need nor want something complicated in my life”.

He seems to realize what he’s just said and quickly adds “Not that I think you make my life complicated of course!”

“I mean, we’ve had our ups and downs, some downs being really low, but I’ve always succeeded in seeing how amazing you are. And even when I was mad at you, there was not a single day that went by when I didn’t consider myself the luckiest man on earth”.

“So when we had our first fight, you know, the one about Idriss, a few months after we got together, that’s when I knew for sure that my love for you was meant to last forever”.

Lucas doesn’t remember everything about that day, just fleeting memories. The way they kept on yelling at each other “You lied to me before about Lucille, why wouldn’t you lie to me now?” or “Are you gonna keep on bringing up Lucille every time? That’s becoming annoying Lucas! Will you ever really trust me?”

It lasted for hours, they said things they didn’t mean and some things they meant as well, and when Eliott left the flat, slamming the door behind him, Lucas had felt both extremely angry at himself and at Eliott.

More than a week had gone by before they were able to finally put aside their differences and have a talk. A calm one. One where they listened to each other, to their fears. One where they told each other some difficult truths about their pasts. One where they understood each other.

Eliott’s voice pulls him out of his thoughts “Because even though I was mad at you for not really trusting me, and you can be absolutely sure that I _was_,” he emphasizes on the last word, “I realized it didn’t make me love you less. Quite the contrary actually, it only made me want to show you that I was worthy of your trust, that I would never hurt you again like I did before, and that I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you”.

His eyes are filled with so much tenderness when he says those words, and Lucas knows he means every single one of them.

The music is still playing in the background, and Eliott gets lost in it for a few moments. Music had always been such an important part of his life even if Lucas would say that he had “interesting” tastes. Fortunately, he stopped listening to dubstep, but it doesn’t mean that what he listened to afterwards was much better than that…

The music finally comes to a stop and right before another song begins, he sees the taller man move away from the camera.

When he reappears, he has paint all over his fingers. Lucas doesn’t know when it happened, but apparently the sketchbook is now opened on the desk and Eliott is drawing something with his painted fingers on it.

Lucas can’t seem to see what it is, the desk is too far away, and Eliott’s kind of blocking his view anyway.

That’s when Lucas realizes he has a way to know. He grabs the sketchbook from the glass table and opens it.

After turning a few pages, one with a raccoon fighting with a hedgehog on it, one were they reunite, and some others way too cute for his heart to handle, Lucas finally finds what he is looking for.

He’s seen this one before, the hedgehog and the raccoon hugging, looking adoringly into each other’s eyes, paint all over their bodies. It’s always been one of his favorites. Just below it, a few words are written “_Eliott n°1 and Lucas n°1 are happy_”.

But it’s not all that there is here. Apparently, Eliott decided to Jackson Pollock the left page of the sketchbook, recreating the mural they painted with their naked bodies. And it’s beautiful. The colors are melting together, creating some sort of night sky, touches of yellow illuminating it all.

He hears noises coming from the screen, so his eyes snap back to it. Eliott seems to be finished with what he was doing, reaching for a towel hanging by the wall right of his desk and cleaning his hands with it.

When he turns around, a proud smile is covering his face.

Lucas’s always loved seeing Eliott being proud of his work, he absolutely deserved to be, being so talented and all.

He bounces back to his chair, starts to sit down, but seems to think better of it and comes closer to the camera.

He kneels in front of it, his face only a few centimeters away, so close that you can actually see every imperfection he doesn’t have.

He smiles genuinely at the camera, his eyes crinkling, and when he speaks again, his voice is really gentle.

“Since I met you, Lucas, you are the only one that matters”.


	8. Moving in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How sweet it is to hear those words again, even years later.
> 
> “You are the only one that matters” is what Eliott told him the day they painted the common room mural together, and he’s kept on proving it day after day.
> 
> He proved it when beautiful people flirted with him openly but he only had eyes for Lucas, when he looked out for Lucas all night long after he had a nightmare and then went to work the following day without having slept at all, or when he rushed to Lucas’s side when he got lost in the middle of nowhere. Whenever Lucas needed him, no matter what he was doing, Eliott would always put Lucas first, because he couldn’t bear knowing his lover might be suffering, or be alone, or be scared… There was nothing, no one more important in his life than Lucas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Everyone!
> 
> Thank you for you warm support on chapter 7, I am always happy to read your comments and for the kudos as well, it makes my week!
> 
> Chapter 8 is not really long, but I promise chapter 9 will be longer. I hope you'll enjoy it anyway!
> 
> Thanks to my Boo for being an amazing Beta!
> 
> Happy reading and see you next week!
> 
> Lots of love
> 
> PS: for those of you who want to and wonder what are the songs that Eliott plays in the video, you can come ask me on twitter @_SwedishGarden!

How sweet it is to hear those words again, even years later.

“You are the only one that matters” is what Eliott told him the day they painted the common room mural together, and he’s kept on proving it day after day.

He proved it when beautiful people flirted with him openly but he only had eyes for Lucas, when he looked out for Lucas all night long after he had a nightmare and then went to work the following day without having slept at all, or when he rushed to Lucas’s side when he got lost in the middle of nowhere. Whenever Lucas needed him, no matter what he was doing, Eliott would always put Lucas first, because he couldn’t bear knowing his lover might be suffering, or be alone, or be scared… There was nothing, _no one_ more important in his life than Lucas.

Some new music starts playing and Lucas knows he’s heard it before. He is not sure he’d be able to say who’s playing the piano, nor would he be able to remember the name of that piece, but he’s fairly certain he’s already listened to it.

As soon as he hears the first keys being hit, Eliott takes a step back from the camera, his smile widening, his eyes closing on their own accord, lost deep in thoughts.

After a few seconds, he walks back to his chair without turning away from the camera, as he often used to do when leaving Lucas. It always felt like he couldn’t stop himself admiring the man he loved, as if he had to engrave every little detail of him in his mind for when they weren’t together.

That’s something Lucas’s always loved about Eliott. How intense his love was, how he savored each moment until it was over, how he always looked at Lucas like he hanged the moon and the stars. It made him feel so special being loved by someone who could love with such fervor.

“Do you remember when we moved in together?” Eliott asked then, a big smile still plastered on his face.

“We’d been together for about a year I think, our love only getting stronger, when I realized I didn’t want to miss another moment of your life. That I wanted to fall asleep in your arms every night, to wake up to your adorable face every morning.”

When Eliott adds “That I wanted to cook for you”, Lucas can’t help but burst out laughing, rolling his eyes fondly at the man behind the camera and murmurs “As if you’d known how to cook! You didn’t even know how to make toasts without it burning…”

Then Eliott starts rambling about all the things he’d wished to be able to do with Lucas once they’d moved in together, describing with full details of what he thought living with him would be like.

“I wanted to have dinner dates with you. No, wait! Make that breakfast dates, lunch dates or dinner dates. I wanted it all. I even thought that cleaning together would be fun, loud music bursting through the speakers, dancing to the beat while dusting or tidying. But that’s not all, I thought we’d had fun playing stupid games together, that we’d have great pillow fights, that we’d hug on our couch for hours, that we’d make love as often as we’d like, making our neighbors annoyed with how loud we’d get!”

He laughs then, genuinely, as if he’d said the funniest thing in the world, holding his stomach and bending forwards, his face now barely visible on the video but Lucas knows. Lucas knows that his face is radiating from joy, that his smile is even bigger than a few moments prior and that his eyes look like half-moons. His body is shaking with laughter, his hands now covering his face.

How much Lucas’s missed this amazing sound!

Nothing would ever compare to Eliott’s laugh, such a tinkling laugh, so contagious you couldn’t help but start laughing with him.

After a few moments, Eliott seems to regain some control over his body, exhaling deeply, and he slowly tilts his head back up, wiping away the tears of laughter that have started running down his cheeks.

“Trust me Lucas”, he declares, “living with you exceeded every expectation I had. You made each day an adventure, whether it was with one of your crazy ideas or simply by being yourself. It’s been amazing!”

“Our first place together though, was terrible. We’d been looking for a small apartment, nothing fancy, for ages. I remember visiting maybe fifty apartments, getting all hyped up every time we had an appointment and later discouraged that we’d never be able to find something!”

Lucas remembers as well, it took them so long to find something they could afford that when they finally did, even though the apartment was barely decent or sanitary, they signed the lease almost immediately.

“You, on the other hand, always tried to keep my hopes up, telling me that everything would be okay, that we would find the ‘perfect’ place for us to be together. That it might take us a little while, but that it would be worth it in the end, because we’d be together.” His eyes soften when he adds “You’ve always known how to make me feel better, whereas it’s been with words or with acts, always.”

He shakes his head a little, a strand of hair falling on his forehand, and Lucas wishes he could be there with him, just to be able to put it back in place.

“This apartment though, the one we picked, I still don’t understand why we chose it. Yes, it wasn’t far away from both university and high-school, the rent was pretty low, but still… It was so tiny, we barely had enough space to put our stuff in it, and we didn’t have much… The wallpaper was coming off in numerous places, the bathroom had a moldy smell and our bedroom didn’t even have a real window! The kitchen was the smallest kitchen I had ever seen in my life, if we could call that a kitchen. It was not even separated from the main room! There was a sink, a place for a fridge, with the stove right above it. What a really smart idea the owner had by the way!” he shrugs his shoulders “we even had to put the microwave on one of the top shelves. You could barely reach it.”

“I’ll let you know that I am not _that_ small!” Lucas counters with an exasperated sigh.

As though Eliott’s heard him again, he says “You _are_ small, my little hedgehog, but that’s okay, I love you nonetheless”.

He thinks for a second, before he quickly adds “Now that I think about it, this apartment was the perfect fit for you!”

Lucas’s mouth falls agape when he hears his next words: “A tiny nest for my tiny hedgehog.”

Lucas can’t believe the audacity of this man, who winks at the camera with a playful smirk on his face, but can’t help the small rise of his lips either. Eliott’s always loved teasing him about his height, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise, not even today, and Lucas’s never been one to get upset easily, not about that anyway.

Still, nothing is stopping him from sticking his tongue out at the TV like the very mature man he is, so if he does so, no one will know.

“Joke aside” Eliott says “this apartment was a mess but it was our first home together and I don’t regret getting it for a second.”

“I felt safe there when I was having some challenging times, in the cocoon we’d created together, surrounded by your smell and cared for by your love”.

“You know, such a huge commitment would have frightened me to death if it hadn’t been with you. I was scared, of course I was, because important change is always a little scary, but crossing that threshold with you by my side, knowing perfectly that this, us moving in, was just the first big step we were going to take together, also made me feel content, _happy_. I’d never been surer about anything else in my life before.”

“You probably found a photo in the envelope, and I don’t know if you remember that but it was the first pic that we framed and put on a wall there.”

Lucas turns around and picks the photo he found earlier from the table, looking at their happy faces once again.

He barely hears Eliott when he says “It always put a smile on my face every time I looked at it, it still does and I sure hope looking at it now is making you smile too”, too focused on the pic in front of him, yet his eyes go back to the screen when he replies with a fond smile “It is. I’m smiling Eliott.”


	9. Together forever…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fond smile is still plastered on his face, his hand holding the picture tightly but carefully enough not to damage it, when Eliott starts speaking up again.
> 
> But even if Eliott’s voice is beautiful, that’s not what catches Lucas’s attention.
> 
> It’s the song that’s started to play. It’s giving him goosebumps, it always has, especially after August 23rd, three years ago.
> 
> Lucas knows where Eliott’s going to take him now, on their trip down memory lane, because that’s what this video actually feels like, a voyage with Eliott, travelling from one memory to the other, enjoying the time they spent together since high-school. And apparently, now they are off to their wedding day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Morning Everyone!
> 
> Once again, I want to thank you all for your warm response to this fic, I truly appreciate it.
> 
> I'm going to add some tags to it because apparently, the story isn't clear enough (even though I thought it was) and I would hate for you to think that I tried to trick you into reading a sad fic.
> 
> I also want to thank my Boo for her precious help.
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy this new chapter (it is longer than what I usually post).
> 
> If you want to talk to me, I'm always happy to do so on my Twitter @_SwedishGarden.
> 
> Happy reading!
> 
> Lots of love,

The fond smile is still plastered on his face, his hand holding the picture tightly but carefully enough not to damage it, when Eliott starts speaking up again.

But even if Eliott’s voice is beautiful, that’s not what catches Lucas’s attention.

It’s the song that’s started to play. It’s giving him goosebumps, it always has, especially after August 23rd, three years ago.

Lucas knows where Eliott’s going to take him now, on their trip down memory lane, because that’s what this video actually feels like, a voyage with Eliott, travelling from one memory to the other, enjoying the time they spent together since high-school. And apparently, now they are off to their _wedding day_.

He rewinds the video a little, because he didn’t quite hear what Eliott said, his mind completely focused on Elvis’s voice to hear anything else.

“Your smile has never been as radiant as the day we got married though. You looked so happy then, and so amazingly beautiful.”

“You were wearing a three-piece suit, the one we bought together, and it fitted you so perfectly.”

Lucas remembers that day, the day they bought the suits. Eliott practically had to drag him out of bed, because “no, he didn’t want to buy a suit, thank you”. He didn’t want to, but he’d also never been one to resist Eliott’s puppy eyes, so when the taller man had looked at him and said “Please, Lucas, _for me_. It will probably be the only time I’d get to see you in a suit…”, Lucas knew he lost. He left his comfy bed to go wedding suit shopping with his husband to be.

They bought matching suits, only small details differencing one from the other. They were both midnight blues, one with a black collar, Lucas’s, and the other one with a grey collar, Eliott’s. Their shirts were identical too, simple white poplin ones, with cufflinks (Lucas only agreeing to this if he could put whatever cufflinks he’d like), and bow ties, a light grey with white polka dots for Eliott, and a plain royal blue one for Lucas.

Lucas has to admit they both looked incredibly dashing in those tailored suits, which cost them a fortune, but well, “you only live once, right?”.

When Eliott talks again, his voice is filled with emotions. “We arrived together at the 16th arrondissement Town Hall, after making our way through the Paris’s streets on your scooter, all of our closest friends and family already waiting for us there. We couldn’t get married anywhere else, not in France anyway, but I didn’t need anything more. Just you, me and the ones we loved.”

“I remember being the first one to enter the room we were getting married in. The wooden floor was creaking under my feet, the light flowing through the numerous windows, red velvet curtains surrounding all of them, cream molded walls in between. The ceiling was incredible as well, do you recall?”, he speaks animatedly, describing the room with such intensity that Lucas can actually picture it again in his mind “Frosted blue paint, in between molding golden ceilings, illuminated by beautiful chandeliers.”

“It was astonishing, but nothing compared to the sight of you.”

“When you entered the room, you took my breath away, even if I’d only seen you a few minutes before. You were slowly walking towards me, holding onto your mother’s arm, looking at our friends left and right, the sun illuminating your features, with such a bright smile on your face that the only word that could truly do you justice was angel.”

“The moment your eyes locked with mine, I knew that tying my life with yours was the smartest decision I had ever made, because soon enough, I’d be able to call you my husband and I couldn’t be prouder.”

Lucas can feel the tears gathering up in his eyes once more. All these memories flooding his mind are overwhelming by their intensity, even if this time, it feels good. The incredible joy he felt that day, the love from Eliott, from their friends, their family, he is feeling all of it again.

Eliott starts talking about the ceremony then and Lucas’s memories melt with the portrayal that the taller man is depicting, images of this day rushing back to him.

* * *

When Eliott reached out for his hand, bringing him closer to his side, and squeezed it tightly, Lucas squeezed Eliott’s hand right back, nodding towards the love of his life with a smile, a small indication that “Yes, we are doing it and I couldn’t be happier”.

They listened to the deputy mayor for a few minutes, who talked about what it meant to get married, according to the law, and then, he asked “Do you have something to say before we actually start with the fun part of this wedding and not all that mandatory but annoying law gibberish?” A few of their friends giggled at that and Lucas had to bite his lower lip not to do so himself.

He regained his seriousness when Eliott cleared his throat and said “I do have something to say”.

Turning towards Lucas, staring into his eyes with a loving gaze, he added:

“Lucas Lallemant, you are the love of my life. Ever since that first day in high-school hallway, you are my everything. When I wake up in the morning, it’s to the sound of your voice and the sight of your beautiful face next to mine. When you are not with me, you are the only thing that I can think about. When I go to bed at night, it’s with you by my side. I could never have asked for something better, even in my wildest dreams, because _you_ are literally the best thing that happened to me. You are kind and generous, smart and funny, beautiful and loving.” Eliott’s voice wavers a little when he adds “I’m binding my life to yours today, but in all honesty, my heart and soul have been yours for many years now. I loved you yesterday, I love you today, and I will love you tomorrow. For as long as I live. _Always_.”

Lucas didn’t succeed in stopping a few tears of happiness from making their way down his blushing cheeks, nor did he intend to, too caught up in the moment, in Eliott’s voice, in Eliott’s words to care about anything else other than what was happening between them.

He didn’t plan on saying anything, he didn’t even prepare a speech, but after Eliott’s loving confession, Lucas felt the need to.

“Eliott Demaury, you entered my life when I was lost and scared of being myself. You showed me what being in love and being loved truly felt like and with your help, I learnt to accept myself. You’ve been my rock ever since. Life is not always easy, but you make it easier just by being by my side. You are the most incredible, brave, sweet, beautiful and caring person I know. I love you so much, Eliott. I always have and I always will.”

Eliott was on the verge of crying too, the both of them in their own perfect little bubble, holding hands, blue eyes staring into grey ones, when the deputy said: “That was…*hum*… really adorable!”

They turned their gazes back to him, grinning like idiots. He smiled back at them before adding “Mr. Lucas Lallemant, do you take Mr. Eliott Demaury to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

“Yes! Yes, _I do_.”

“And you Mr. Eliott Demaury, do you take Mr. Lucas Lallemant to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

“_I do_.”

“Do you have the rings?”

With shaking hands, Lucas grabbed the ring from the small cushion both of the rings were placed upon. He smiled at Eliott before putting the silver band on his finger.

Eliott, in one swift movement, did the same, putting the exact same silver band on Lucas’s finger.

“Under color of law, I now pronounce you Husband and Husband!”

As soon as the last words left his mouth, a huge cheer erupted from their friends and family, all clapping and yelling “Woohoo” and “Yeah”.

“You may kiss!”

Eliott quickly brought Lucas closer to him, pulling him by the waist. His hands automatically cupping his face, thumbs softly caressing his cheeks and his lips capturing Lucas’s own in one slow tender kiss.

* * *

“Everything was perfect.”

Eliott is fidgeting with his wedding ring now, a habit he took after the marriage, his smile still incredibly bright.

“I know a lot of people say that you can’t remember your wedding day, that it all gets blurry after a while. Well, I do remember.”

“I remember the restaurant we went to. I even remember the way the table was dressed.”

“White table cloth, with porcelain plates on black round placemats, green folded napkins and silver cutlery. On each plate, there was a small wrapped box, a present to our guests. Each guest was represented by their spirit animal carved into a wooden square to the left of the wine glasses. In the middle of the table, there was a tall glass vase. Surrounding its base was a sunflowers wreath. And at the top of the vase was a bouquet. Well, I don’t really know if you can call that a bouquet. It looked like a ball, made of sunflowers. On both sides of the vase were white pillar candles, three of them, each one a different size from the other. And at the end of the table, on both sides, there were antique black lanterns with a single white candle in it, placed on a rectangular grass wreath, sunflowers encompassing it.”

“Imagine my surprise when I entered the room and discovered the place! It wasn’t supposed to look like that.”

The smile that’s been adorning his face for a while now only grows bigger. “You must have spent such a long time preparing all of this just to make me happy. Only because you know how much I love sunflowers…”

A satisfied sigh escapes him then, reinforced by a dreamy gaze.

“I’ve always been the one making grand romantic gestures, surprising you every now and then. This, my love, was the biggest and most amazing surprise you ever gave me. You really outdid yourself!”

Lucas didn’t do all of this alone though, he received some crucial help from the girls, who helped him plan everything, even gave him some ideas. He would never have been able to do it without them.

“The rest of the day went by with delicious food, fine wine and interesting chatter.”

“I kept glancing at you, then at the ring adorning your finger, over and over again.”

“Did I ever tell you that I had to pinch myself at some point, to make sure it wasn’t just a dream?”

Lucas laughs quietly, in all their years together, Eliott’s never mentioned that. Even now, the taller man still surprises him.

Shaking his head, he answers “No, you didn’t! I’d never have stopped teasing you with it otherwise, and I’m pretty sure you knew that!”

After a moment, the older man adds “When the DJ arrived, later in the evening, I was the one to surprise you.”

“We’d decided that we were going to party all together until morning, dancing like wild animals, drinking and having fun. But there was something I had to do first…”

And this right there, is the reason why the song that is slowly coming to its end still gives Lucas the chill.

“You already had a few glasses of wine, so I knew you wouldn’t be as embarrassed as if I had done it earlier in the day. Alcohol always makes you more confident, that’s a fact.”

“I winked at the DJ, and the music started.”

“I made my way towards you, microphone in hand, but you didn’t notice it at first.”

_“Wise men say only fools rush in_

_But I can't help falling in love with you_

_Shall I stay?_

_Would it be a sin_

_If I can't help falling in love with you?”_

“Your head snapped towards me, eyes widening, mouth agape. What a wonderful sight it was.”

“I stopped right in front of you, handing my hand out for you to take, guiding you to the dance floor.”

“It’s probably one of my fondest memories from our wedding day. The way we slow-danced together, kissing occasionally, my arms wrapped behind your neck, yours wrapped around my back, foreheads touching. It was soft, it was love, it was us and only us, even if it was just for a minute or two.”

Lucas feels the same. It’s actually one of the things he often thinks about when their wedding crosses his mind.

“This moment too though.”

Eliott shifts a little on his seat, his hands up behind his neck, fingers moving with purpose.

After what feels like an eternity, but is actually a few seconds, he proudly shows a necklace to the camera.

“When you offered me that necklace I mean.”

And it’s the one Lucas’s found in the envelope this morning, the one he offered Eliott, the one he put around his neck a few hours ago.

It happened when they arrived back home, after partying all night with their friends, bodies exhausted but minds well satiated.

Lucas had kept the piece of jewellery in his pocket all day long, waiting for the perfect time to give it to his husband, never finding the opportunity to do so.

But then, when Eliott sat on their living-room couch, untying his shoelaces, looking tired yet still incredibly beautiful, Lucas couldn’t resist.

He kneeled in front of the taller man, talking the box from his inside pocket, and placing it carefully in Eliott’s hand.

“For you” he whispered, eyes landing on Eliott’s incredulous face, observing his every reaction.

When Eliott opened the box, all the fatigue that was there merely seconds ago evaporated in an instant, replaced by a beaming smile, eyes completely enthralled.

“You… But… It’s beautiful! But… Why?”

Quickly removing the necklace from the box, he brought it closer to his eyes, apparently admiring every detail.

He jumped from the couch then, right into Lucas’s arms, enveloping the smaller man in a bone crushing hug, head tucked into the crook of his neck, kissing him again and again.

“Thank you, I love it! I’ll never take it off.”

“Thank you for putting up with me, for loving me the way you do, simply for being you, my wonderful raccoon. You don’t know how happy you’ve made me today, and this is just a small way of showing you… And now, I’m going to show you in a different way.”

He slowly unwrapped himself from Eliott’s hold, winking at him, pulling him up and slowly walking him towards their bedroom.

The door closed on them and their wedding night.


	10. …or not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sun has completely set now.
> 
> The room is dark, the only light coming from the street lamp right outside the living-room window.
> 
> Lucas doesn’t know how long he’d stayed there, sat on his couch, his glass of wine in hand, looking at the frozen screen. At some point, he’d paused the video again, the need to stay lost in those happy memories stronger than his desire to listen to what Eliott is going to tell him next.
> 
> He is still curious though. And to be honest, really scared as well.
> 
> He doesn’t know how much longer the video’s going to last. And yes, he knows that he will be able to watch it over and over again if he wants to, but still, there’s a part of him that doesn’t want to reach the end of it, because he knows it’ll feel like losing Eliott all over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good evening everyone!
> 
> Sorry, I'm updating this pretty late today, but the day has been pretty busy.
> 
> Once again, I wanted to thank you all for your incredible reaction to the story. It's really amazing as a beginner to receive such a warm welcome.
> 
> As you can see, I updated the tags (sorry about that by the way) and the number of chapters. So just two more after this one (a really long one and a short one).
> 
> Hope you'll "enjoy" the story until the end and that it won't be disappointing.
> 
> I also want to thank my Boo one more time. She'd been such an incredible support through it all.
> 
> And now, I'm leaving you to your reading!
> 
> Lots of love,

The sun has completely set now.

The room is dark, the only light coming from the street lamp right outside the living-room window.

Lucas doesn’t know how long he’d stayed there, sat on his couch, his glass of wine in hand, looking at the frozen screen. At some point, he’d paused the video again, the need to stay lost in those happy memories stronger than his desire to listen to what Eliott is going to tell him next.

He is still curious though. And to be honest, really scared as well.

He doesn’t know how much longer the video’s going to last. And yes, he knows that he will be able to watch it over and over again if he wants to, but still, there’s a part of him that doesn’t want to reach the end of it, because he knows it’ll feel like losing Eliott all over again.

And if there is one thing that Lucas is absolutely sure about, it’s that he can’t handle losing him, not again, because he still hasn’t dealt with Eliott being gone to begin with.

So he sits there, looking at the screen, sipping his wine slowly, remembering happy times with Eliott.

Their wedding day of course, but not only.

He also remembers when they found this apartment and both fell in love with it. Love at first sight he’d say. Or the day they moved in. He also remembers when Eliott sold his first painting, how happy he’d been then, a toothy grin illuminating his face, joy emanating from every pore of his being.

* * *

The same thing happened when they started talking about having children. Eliott always looked so delighted, some would say incredibly excited even, every time Lucas would mention starting a family.

Lucas knew it was something his husband had been thinking about a lot. They’d been weighing pros and cons about it for hours on end for months.

How it would affect their lives, positively and negatively. How they’d have to make sure not to lose themselves or put their relationship in jeopardy because of a new addition to their family.

But raising a kid, or several, giving them a nice home to grow up in, surrounded by love was Eliott’s biggest dream. He wanted to teach them everything he knew about art. He wanted to explore with them, travel as much as possible. What he wanted the most though was to help children who didn’t have the same luck as he had in life. That’s why he’d always been pretty clear with Lucas. If they were to have a child, or more than one, he wanted to adopt.

He’d always tell him “You know, my parents were pretty amazing when I was a kid. They tried their very best to make me happy, even after I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. But also when I told them I was pansexual. They never judged me, they always supported me, they loved me no matter what. And I want to give that to a child.”

And then he’d add something like: “You know, there are kids that have never been fortunate enough to know what love is, that have been beaten down, abused, rejected because of who they are. And if I_, sorry if we_, can make at least one of them happy, it would be worth it. And Lucas, I _know_ we’d make a kid happy.”

Of course, Lucas couldn’t do anything but agree with that. Not after everything he went through himself with his father abandoning his family after his mother was diagnosed with schizophrenia, or when he got rejected by him after telling him he was gay.

Lucas had found a new family in his friends back then.

But mostly, he’d found one in Eliott.

And he’d never deny a kid that chance. The chance to be raised by someone as amazing as Eliott.

He knew that the older man would make an amazing father. He was patient, incredibly kind, he loved children (in a way, he was still one sometimes, always willing to play with them or getting excited for everything) and he had so much love to give.

That’s how they found themselves, a few months after their wedding, in an adoption office, explaining to the woman sitting in front of them what they wanted to offer a child and why they wanted to adopt.

They knew it was going to be challenging, and Eliott being bipolar wasn’t really a “positive thing” in the eyes of a social worker.

She didn’t deny it, quite the contrary in fact, telling them “You know, with your health background… I can’t promise you anything.”

“But also, you know, there is… this”, she said her eyes travelling from Lucas to Eliott and then to their joined hands.

So apparently, them being gay wasn’t helping either.

Adopting a child when you were not heterosexual was still taboo, and still divided society to this day, which if you asked Lucas, was completely unfair.

“So, you are telling me that you’d rather have heterosexual parents raising a kid than have a LGBTQ+ couple doing so, that’s outrageous!”

He was absolutely fuming, glaring daggers at the social worker who looked like she’d rather be anywhere else than in her office right now.

“That’s… That’s not what I was saying Mister Demaury-Lallemant” she stuttered.

“Oh really? Because it sure seemed like you were!”.

Eliott’s left hand gently tapped Lucas’s thigh then and, tilting his head a little, he whispered in his ear “Please Lucas, let her speak. We _really_ need to make a good impression if we want this to work.”

As if on cue, the petite brunette woman added, a tight smile on her face “I was just trying to explain to you that all of this, the adoption process I mean, it isn’t going to be easy. Even for heterosexual couples it’s difficult. And I don’t think I need to explain to you how it is for people like the two of you.”

Lucas’s hold on Eliott’s hand toughens when he heard her “_people like the two of you_”, and he had to bite his lower lip furiously, drawing blood in the process, in order not to say something more, something he might regret later…

“But I can see that your hearts are set on the matter, that it is a matured decision and that you are really passionate about adopting. I promise I’ll try my best to make it possible. I can’t promise it’s going to work though…”

She looked for something in one of her desk’s drawer then and, after a few seconds, handed the paper she found to Eliott.

“This is the list of all the documents you’ll need for the adoption’s file. Of course, if you have any questions, you can always ask me, my email address is at the bottom of the page.”

They left her office a few minutes later, Eliott’s arm over Lucas’s shoulders.

When they exited the building, he turned towards Eliott and let the taller man wrap him in a bone-crushing hug, the last hour being emotionally draining for the two of them.

He barely heard Eliott’s quiet whisper “I know you were mad about what she said, and, to be honest, I agreed with you. How could someone think that a child wouldn’t get as much love with us than with straight parents? It makes no sense.”

He kissed the top of his head then, burying his nose in Lucas’s hair, before quickly adding: “But we at least have to give it a try, right?”

And, once again, Lucas could only agree. They owed it to themselves, but also to a child devoid of love.

* * *

Lucas takes another sip of wine, the bitterness of it making his mouth go dry.

He gets up from the sofa, turning on the golden floor lamp situated next to it, before exiting the room.

He reenters the kitchen, the bright light blinding him for a second. He blinks a few times, his pupils adjusting to the change of atmosphere, before making his way to the dishwasher and grabbing a glass.

His hands are trembling slightly, “Come on Lucas, stop that now!” he says to himself.

His hold tightens on the glass, his left hand resting on the kitchen counter.

He blinks again, this time to fight the tears that have gathered once again in his eyes.

“I won’t cry, not again”.

But he knows the battle is already lost.

Why did he have to think about that again? About how much they wanted to have children, and how it all came crashing down so suddenly.

He turns on the faucet, and pours himself a glass of water, downing it in one go, hoping that it would help him control his raging thoughts, to no avail.

He places it down next to him, putting both hands under the cold water now, and splashing some of it on his face.

The contact of the cold water against his skin helps him a little, but just for a few seconds.

His mind quickly starts overthinking again.

Thinking about a few weeks after this appointment with the social worker.

Thinking about the phone call they received on a Friday morning, right before leaving for work.

“Mister Demaury-Lallemant? Eliott? It’s Doctor Bernard. I have received your medical test results and I’m going to need you to come to my office as soon as possible.”

His head bent down over the sink, Lucas cries.


	11. I will always be there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tears are still rolling down his face but his breathing, which had become erratic after a while, is slowly starting to even out, even if sobs keep on escaping him from time to time.
> 
> His hands are holding the edge of the counter tightly, even if a bit shakily, a way for him to keep his knees from buckling and from stopping his body to falling to the ground again.
> 
> He knew this would happen. It always does when he remembers his last year with Eliott, and the last time they’d been happy. Truly happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Loves,
> 
> So... I made a quick poll on twitter to ask if I should post the last two chapters earlier than planned. And the verdict was yes!
> 
> So here I am, posting the last two chapters of this story.
> 
> I trully hope you'll "enjoy" them and that you'll think I did this story justice.
> 
> Once more, I want to thank you all for such lovely words/comments, fore the kudos, the bookmarks 💖💖. It's really been a pleasure writting for all of you!
> 
> I also want to thank my incredible Boo for all the hard work for making this story what it is, and for the lovely email she sent me yesterday. To answer you Boo, I don't know if I'll write something else (maybe 😏), but be sure that if I ever do, I'll ask you to help me again! Love you 💖💖💖💖💖💖
> 
> I prefer to warn you, this chapter can be triggering for some people, as it talks about illness and death.
> 
> So, here we go!
> 
> Lots of love 💖😘

Tears are still rolling down his face but his breathing, which had become erratic after a while, is slowly starting to even out, even if sobs keep on escaping him from time to time.

His hands are holding the edge of the counter tightly, even if a bit shakily, a way for him to keep his knees from buckling and from stopping his body to falling to the ground again.

He knew this would happen. It always does when he remembers his last year with Eliott, and the last time they’d been happy. Truly happy.

* * *

They always woke up around 7 am, showering quickly, most of the time anyway, before taking their breakfast together prior to leaving for their respective jobs.

It had become one of their rituals over the years, Eliott being the one making coffee while Lucas prepared them something to eat, usually buttered toast with jam on it.

They’d eat, light chatter filling the kitchen, laughs resonating in the air every once in a while, mostly when Lucas would make a silly joke or grimace at something Eliott had said.

On this damned Friday morning, that’s what was happening.

Lucas had just told Eliott the silliest joke ever, Eliott answering him, his voice full of laughter “And why would a cucumber want to become a tomato? This makes no sense at all Lucas!”

“It doesn’t need to make sense Eliott, it’s a joke! And by the way, I’d rather be a tomato than a cucumber… So I understand”

Eliott chuckled at that, looking at Lucas with a smirk “Of course you do”.

He was leaning down, about to kiss his husband when his phone started to ring.

He looked apologetically at Lucas, quickly pecking him on the lips, turning back to his phone, surprise written all over his face after seeing the caller ID.

“Hello?”

“Yes, that’s me.”

Lucas couldn’t hear what was being said on the other end of the line, but he saw Eliott’s face falling slightly, the bright smile fading from his face.

He grabbed the other man’s hand, worry creeping into his mind.

“Yes, Doctor. Of course. I’ll be there in an hour.”

Lucas’s grip on Eliott’s hand tightened.

Eliott put his phone back down on the counter, his eyes meeting Lucas’s, and in a whisper he said: “my medical results for the adoption’s file are back, the doctor wants to see me as soon as possible.”

“What do you mean? Why does he want to see you?”

“I don’t know Lucas, he didn’t say anything more than that! Just that he wants to see me. I need to go”.

Eliott stood up from where he was sitting, releasing his hand from Lucas’s hold and quickly walking towards the entrance gathering his things on the way.

“I’m coming with you!”

“But, what about work?”

Joining him quickly in the hallway, Lucas grabbed Eliott’s arm, turning him around: “Eliott, I don’t give a damn about work right now. The doctor wants to see you, I’m coming!”

They left their apartment, rushing to the metro station, the ride to the doctor’s office only filled with silence, their hands intertwined. Lucas couldn’t help but glance at Eliott from time to time whose face was completely closed off. Lucas knew better though, he knew Eliott, and he could feel how tense and worried his husband was.

Once they arrived in the waiting room, Lucas couldn’t stay still, his right leg shaking furiously.

After a few minutes, he started pacing around the room, other patients looking at him like he’d gone crazy.

“Lucas, what are you doing? Can you sit down? Please, I want to hold your hand”.

Coming back to his seat, Lucas looked up at Eliott and said “I don’t understand why they are making us wait so long, they said we had to come and now they are making us wait…”

“I know Lucas, but we just need to be patient a little bit longer”.

The door opened fifteen minutes later, Doctor Bernard smiling at the both of them “Eliott, Lucas, come on in.”

They entered the large office, sitting down on the chairs facing the desk.

“So Eliott” the doctor started “thank you for coming here so quickly.”

“I wanted to see you because we received your medical results and, well, the blood tests are not what we would have expected from someone your age.”

“The CA 19-9 levels are really high.”

“What does that mean doctor?” Eliott’s voice sounded uncertain.

“It means that we are going to have to do some other test to understand what’s happening to you.”

“I also have a few questions for you Eliott about your health at the moment, it would really help me. Well, if that’s okay of course?”

Eliott nodded slowly.

“Have you lost some weight lately?”

It’s Lucas who answered the question “He had, he hasn’t been eating a lot lately, saying the adoption process was stressing him out a little.”

“And what about sleep Eliott, do you sleep well? Are you feeling more tired than usual?”

Eliott’s eyes travelled from Lucas to the doctor, and once again, he nodded.

“Yes, I… I haven’t really slept well these past few months. And when I do sleep, I still feel exhausted afterwards. But you know, I’ve never been a huge sleeper anyway.”

“Okay Eliott. Is there anything else?”

After thinking for a few moments, Eliott admitted “Well, I’ve been having some recurrent abdominal pains, but nothing too serious.”

“What? You never told me that!” Lucas reprimanded “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It’s nothing Lucas, I didn’t want to worry you with some small abdominal pain. I know it’d have stressed you out.”

“Of course I’m worried Eliott, we are in a doctor’s office because there is something apparently wrong with your health and you never said anything to me about it.”

Eliott looked at him fondly, smiling softly “It’s going to be okay Lucas.”

“Eliott, I… You _have_ to be okay.”

A cough coming from the other side of the desk stopped their conversation “Well, Eliott, thank you for answering me. I’m going to make an appointment for you to get a CT scan. To see what’s going on, okay?”

* * *

“What do you mean cancer?”

Lucas’s voice sounded weaker than he intended it to.

They were back at the doctor’s office, a few weeks after their first appointment. The results of the CT scan had showed a mass on Eliott’s pancreas. They did a biopsy, and the results had come in.

“It can’t be cancer, doctor. It can’t be. There must be a mistake. Are you sure?” Lucas didn’t mean to sound so worried, but he couldn’t help himself.

“Eliott, Lucas, I’m sorry but it is indeed cancer. There is no doubt about it. Stage III.”

“Stage III? It was the first time Eliott spoke since they arrived.

To be honest, he hadn’t talked a lot since they found out about the tumor, isolating himself in his drawing room, only going out for dinners, barely sleeping. Every morning, Lucas would wake up to an empty bed.

They hadn’t talked about what was going to happen next. Not until they’d found out for sure.

But now, they had.

_Cancer._

_Stage III._

“Well, Eliott, stage III means that the tumor has grown more deeply into your pancreatic tissues, and that it has spread to the lymph nodes, but not to other parts of your body.”

“Okay then. Is there something to do? Or am I going to die?” his voice was completely neutral, as if he didn’t even care about the answer he was going to get.

Lucas gasped at the question, an incredulous look appearing on his face: “Don’t say that! Of course there is something to do, you are not going to die!!!”

Eliott turned towards him “I will Lucas, maybe not today, or tomorrow, but one day I will.”

* * *

It’d been three months since they’d discovered that Eliott was sick.

Three intense months of hospital rooms, surgeries, chemotherapy and fear.

Lucas couldn’t believe that it was really happening to them. That Eliott might not survive this.

He was angry.

So terribly angry. Angry at the World for making the love of his life sick. For trying to take him away from him. Angry at Eliott for not talking about what was happening to him before, for letting this go for too long without doing anything, maybe until it was already too late.

But most of all, Lucas was angry with himself for not noticing that something was wrong with Eliott. For not realizing that his health was in jeopardy.

And it made him snap at everyone.

At his mother when she tried to talk to him and reassure him.

At his friends who kept on asking stupid questions about Eliott, wondering how he was feeling and what was going to happen next.

At Eliott too, when he didn’t rest enough or didn’t eat, or when he smoked.

“You NEED to take care of yourself Eliott! You are not going to get better if you don’t rest!”

“And do you really believe that smoking is gonna help, aren’t you sick enough?”, he asked, taking the cigarette Eliott had been smoking away from him, crushing it in the ashtray.

He knew, the moment the words were out, that he went too far, but it was too late.

Eliott was fuming, anger showing on his face like never before, his voice cold as ice when he replied: “And what do you expect me to do Lucas? Stop everything? Stop living now? I might only have a few more months left, do you intend for me to spend them in a bubble doing nothing?”

“At least I expect you to _try_ not to kill yourself quicker! Sorry for caring about you!”

Eliott looked at him then, all trace of anger gone.

“I know you care. And I know you are scared Lucas. I am too. I can’t imagine leaving you here alone, being away from you forever. But it might happen, and it scares me like nothing has ever scared me before. I’m more scared of leaving you than of dying. Because I know you and I know that it will crush you if I’m gone.”

“I don’t want that for you. I don’t want you to be hurt because of me. But it might happen and I can’t do anything about it Lucas. You need to be prepared, my Love.”

Lucas walked closer to Eliott who was seated on a chair, tilting his head so they could look into each other eyes “I don’t need to prepare myself Eliott, because as I told you before, you are NOT going to die.”

“But…”

“No but Eliott. You need to think positively. I won’t let you die.”

* * *

A few months had gone by again.

Eliott’s chemotherapy sessions had been over for a week. He had lost his hair at some point and they had decided to shave it instead of letting it fall out on its own.

Lucas was more confident as Eliott seemed like he was feeling a little better.

He slept more, and even ate more.

They were waiting for the new results from Eliott’s latest medical tests, and Lucas was really hoping they would get good news.

But he would not let this to chance.

He would try anything to make sure Eliott would beat this.

That’s why he went to church after work one day, on his own.

He sat down on a bench, after lighting up a candle, and he started to pray. He hadn’t prayed for years, never feeling the need to and for sure not believing it would help him in any way. He was not like his mother, but he knew she found comfort in it.

And well, if there was someone up there, it wouldn’t be a bad thing to have them on their side, even more when tomorrow was the day they were supposed to get Eliott’s results back.

“Okay, where do I begin? By saying hi I suppose. So hey God.”

He felt so stupid, talking to a God that he didn’t even believed in, shaking his head at himself.

“To be honest, I don’t know why I’m doing this. I don’t even believe that you exist, you see. My mum always told me you do, but well, you never gave me any reasons to believe so.”

He ran his hand through his hair, then put it back on the bench before him.

“But, you see, my husband is sick. He’d gone through so much during the last five months, and we are supposed to get new medical results tomorrow. I want them to be good. Please, let them be good!”

“He is the most incredible person, you know? He is sweet, kind, loving. He wouldn’t hurt a fly. And he is so brave too. He doesn’t deserve this.”

“So please, please. If you really exist, I beg you, let him be ok.”

“I promise I’ll never be mean to anyone else again. And I’ll never say that you don’t exist ever again.”

“Please, I can’t lose him. Don’t let me lose him.”

* * *

It didn’t work.

They tried everything but it didn’t work and Eliott was going to die.

Lucas knew it now, but he still couldn’t wrap his head around it.

He could see that Eliott was suffering, the pain truly excruciating sometimes. But he never complained about it, not even once. Lucas could see him wince sometimes, but he would never say it was too much. He was so strong, so brave.

Lucas wasn’t.

He was trying to be, but how could he? He was about to lose the love of his life and he knew he’d never be able to accept that. Not now, not ever.

So he cried, whenever Eliott wasn’t with him, he’d cry.

He was afraid. Afraid of seeing Eliott go, afraid of living without him.

* * *

Lucas was holding Eliott’s hand.

The taller man looked so small in his hospital’s bed, so fragile.

They’d talked about it, and Lucas knew now that today was their last day together. Eliott couldn’t handle the pain anymore, he was suffering all the time, his body never giving him time to rest.

The doctors were about to put him into an induced coma, until his body had shut down, until he slipped away.

Eliott squeezed Lucas’s hand lightly, turning his gaze towards him in the process “Lucas.”

But Lucas couldn’t, gripping Eliott’s hand more strongly, not willing to let go of it, not willing for this moment to be the last time he’d talked to Eliott.

“Lucas, look at me, my Love”.

Lucas slowly raised his head, his eyes meeting Eliott’s.

“I can’t Eliott. I can’t live without you. I don’t want to let you go. Please, don’t leave me.”

“You have to Lucas.” He smiled at him, a smile so full of love that Lucas started crying “I’m sure you can do it. You are so strong, even if you don’t believe it.”

“You have to remember that I love you, Lucas, so much.”

He added “I need to see your beautiful smile one more time before I go, so that it’s the last thing I see and that when I fall asleep, it will be you I see.”

Mustering all the strength he had, Lucas dried up his tears and, after Eliott told the doctors that it was time, smiled as brightly as he could while saying “I love you too Eliott.”

* * *

It's been one year, four months, six days, five hours and thirty-three minutes since that moment.

Eliott’s death happened three days later. Lucas was by his side, never leaving him, even after he was put in a coma. His parents were there as well. Everyone that he loved.

He died peacefully, looking like an angel already, his face relaxed, all the tension and suffering from the last months finally gone.

And Lucas, well, there hasn’t been a day since then, where he hasn’t thought about him.

His back straightening, hands leaving the counter, the smaller man goes back to the living-room.

Eliott might be gone now, but he left something for Lucas, and Lucas wants to know what he says next.

He rubs the few tears still gathered in his eyes, takes back the remote and starts the video for the last time.

Eliott’s face reappears on the screen, and a new song starts playing as the older man resumes speaking again: “You’ve made me happy Lucas. Every day of my life.”

He looks so soft, his left hand resting over his heart, his eyes fixed on the camera, and a small smile lingering on his face.

“But now, it’s time for me to say goodbye.”

“I want you to promise me something before I go though.”

Lucas looks at the screen, waiting for Eliott to say what he wants Lucas to promise him.

“I want you to keep on living. I don’t want you to mourn me for the rest of your life. I want you to travel, to go on some incredible adventures, to fall in love again.”

“I just want you to be happy again, because that’s what you deserve. Happiness.”

Lucas stares at the screen, not sure he heard him correctly.

“Yes, Lucas, I want you to feel, to love, to live.”

“Promise me.”

He can’t help but think about this day. About what Eliott tried to do with this video, and finally, he understands.

And even though Lucas knows it’s going to take some time and even if he isn’t sure he will succeed, he knows he has to make that promise to Eliott but also to himself.

“I promise I’m going to try, Eliott. I really am”

He gets closer to the screen again, taking it all in. Eliott’s image, his beautiful smile, his expressive eyes, his sweet face, everything about him, in his mind forever.

He can hear a door slamming in the video, and the sound of his own voice “Eliott, I’m home!”

Eliott looks at the door, or at least where the door is supposed to be, and yells “I’ll be there in a minute!”

He turns back to the camera, eyes shining “I’ll see you in another universe my Love!”

As Eliott gets closer to the camera, blowing a kiss at it, then turning it off, Lucas can hear Edith Piaf singing: “_Dieu réunit ceux qui s’aiment_”.


	12. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s been fifty-six years, ten months, fifteen days, seventeen hours and nine minutes since he lost the love of his life.

It’s been fifty-six years, ten months, fifteen days, seventeen hours and nine minutes since he lost the love of his life.

As he promised Eliott, Lucas had lived a long and happy life.

He travelled a lot, even taking a year off after watching the video to discover the world. He left with only his backpack, some money and his cellphone. He went to Hungary, India, Japan and Australia. Then he flew to South America, travelling all the way from Argentina to the United-States. It had been an incredible year. He met a lot of people along the way, friends and occasional lovers, but no one that could compare to Eliott.

When he came back to France, he went back to work and to his normal life.

He started going out more with his friends, like he used to do before.

And about five years later, he met someone.

Someone who was sweet and generous. Someone who slowly helped heal his broken heart. Someone who never tried to replace Eliott, or erase him from Lucas’s memory because he knew how important Eliott was to Lucas and always would be.

Lucas fell in love with this beautiful man. A different kind of love than the one he shared with Eliott, but love nonetheless, unique and powerful.

They lived together for several years and they’d been happy. Really happy.

They never got married, Lucas never willing to change his name ever again but they raised a child together. One they adopted, not in France, because mentalities still hadn’t changed on the matter, but one that was truly loved and who grew up to be an extraordinary talented woman.

Lucas’s life had been filled with love, happiness, laughter.

And now, it’s his turn to say goodbye to the ones he loves.

He’s lived a good long life, adored by everyone and surrounded by his partner, his daughter and his grandkids.

When he releases his final breath, he is at peace. Life had been good to him. He got to love twice, to live a healthy life full of adventures. He leaves this world satisfied.

* * *

The light blinds him for a second.

He blinks a few times, and starts walking towards the source of such brightness.

He puts a hand over his face when he reaches the light.

What he sees leaves him breathless.

He is back at “La Petite Ceinture”, even if it’s been a while since he’d been there, there was no doubt in his mind that this is where he was.

He walks along the path, making his way quickly to the bridge.

When he arrives, everything is the way he remembers it.

He turns around when he hears someone arriving behind him;

The man had stopped closed to the entrance, near the tree, but even from here, Lucas recognizes him.

“Eliott”.

He approaches him slowly, too scared of it being a dream, to wake up and for Eliott to be gone again.

When he is just a few feet away from the other man, who looks at him with the brightest of smile, he raises his hands, palms facing Eliott.

Eliott intertwines their fingers and it feels like being home.

They launch themselves at each other, lips meeting in a passionate kiss, unable to stop themselves from touching each other.

When they stop kissing, foreheads touching, Eliott whispers “Finally.”

Hugging him tightly, his arms wrapping around the taller man, his head resting on his chest, Lucas replies:

“And forever.”

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We reached the end of this story.
> 
> I hope you liked how I ended things!
> 
> You can come yell at me (or talk to me) on twitter @_SwedishGarden.
> 
> Lots of love 💖😘


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